A LIGHT WITHIN THE DARKNESS

Am I sorry....

2009-03-12T12:58:08Z

I am sorry but in a way I am not. I have takena few friends I don't talk to and set my profile on private if you still choose to be friends please message me so I can re-add you. I have been having issues and I couldn't afford to stay public and I couldn't keep up wiht entries so I stopped commenting which I mostly apologize for. I can't keep up with entries so I am restarting and starting over. I just can't promise to comment every entry but I do read them all. I am sorry but this is the only way to fix things. I do hope I don't offend anyone otherwise its just something I needed to do..... I will miss you all until we talk again.....

Sincerly most, Paula and her friend Penguey

CDO and waiting for you...

2009-03-01T20:10:51Z

So I have cdo duty this weekend on the base. Nothing much special honestly just sitting here at work listening to IT1 and Chief telling stories and whatnot. Don't want to go home just yet because its 26 degrees outside and it is way to cold to walk out there. I might freeze to death jsut walking home across the street. This weekend has been such a drag though and I have alot of work to on monday. I get to see matt this weekend I am putting down money to tag along with heather, prudhomme, hansford, and I think gales to to go to va and matt says he is willing to come pick me up in newport news so I can spend the weekend with him and at the end of the month I am going to st basils with him to talk to the priest and i will be able to show him the waterfalls out there on the property. I do hope he likes it but I think he will. Also I found out his whole family except for his grandpa and other set of grandparents (and craig with his family...sad :( ...) Will all be coming to the wedding which kind of shocked us but I am happy they will be coming after all. I am so excited but nervous about the whole thing. On wednesday I go for the second fitting to my dress and I can pick up the veil that day though so I will have everything but the necklace if nouna lets me borrow it, and the ring. Apparently matt had talked to his mom yesterday asking about it. I guess he is nervous about what to get cause he was calling her about it. I want him to pick out a ring for me soon so I can engrave it for him. I am going to put "My medic, my penguin, my love forever" on the inside of the ring for him. Nothing much going on other than that. I just wanted to be updated on this for you when you came back online. I do hope your eyes are doing better. Hope to hear from you soon, I miss you.

"I don't know how you do what you do..."

2009-02-26T03:37:46Z

"I'm so in love with you, it justs keeps getting better." -Lonestar "Amazed" The same quote I think applies to myself and Matthew, I don't know lately I was so miserable and on an emotional highrise. I just felt so bad it was crazy. I don't know and then he did something to bring up my hopes. In Norfolk my favorite place to go was Iowa Point which is a beautiful place right on the water where you can sit on the rocks and just watch the water all day and any ships that come in and out of port. Well of course I was sad and miserable the other day. I found out Matt won't get leave but sat-tues and have to be back wednesday and after we are married I will only be allowed to spend less than 24hrs with him. I was so sad and of course Teri you were in the hospital due to eye surgery. Please take care and I hope to see you on here soon. So when I was crying on the phone he felt so bad he left c9 and drove to Iowa point and sat there on the phone with me. He made me feel so better and gave me a new look on things. I was just so happy that he would try so hard to make me happy. It has made me feel so much better that I could look at a better view of life. I mean sure I am still sad everyday about missing him and being away from va but I am attempting to look at with hope as much as I can. Friday I go pick up the wedding dress and I am so excited and nervous at the same time. I posted new myspace pics and tried writing again because I am trying to get motivation. Its hard everyday I won't deny that and I know other people have it worse but its still hard, I will keep trying though to keep up. I will try... for him.

As always, Paula and Penguey

Alright and update for you....

2009-02-12T03:00:35Z

Went to medical today... I have been having headaches non stop on and off for the past week. I have 2 baby rashes in two different places. Medical gave me a few more appointments. They think it might be stress related but they are not sure just yet so we will have to wait and see. Tomorrow I am so excited I get to see my baby. He is so excited about seeing me. He asked to leave class early to meet me about the airport and he says he is planning on surprising me. He says he is going to kidnap me from the airport and then rescue me from the house and I asked him how that makes sense... it doesn't. I don't care though all I want is to see him tomorrow in general. I also have an optometry appointment because I want to wear contacts just for the wedding day. Other than that I'm not doing to much. Even though I don't feel it I've been stressing way too much so I am hoping this weekend will clear things up. I've felt so down lately. I hope everyone is doing well and I will write again soon. Take care dears.

Penguey and me

An update for the world to see...

2009-02-07T07:25:33Z

So I have not been on way to much at all and I do apologize for that. It has been very hectic and I lost my best internet source for a while so I scrounge about for internet at the moment. I am trying to catchup on everyones journals so I will be reading but I may not be able to comment for the time being. Work has been very busy and I end up staying late just about every day now because of that. I will finally be able to take a break next thursday when I fly down to Virginia to spend my 4 day weekend with Matt for valentines day. he is so happy he says he is going to grab me and swirl me around like in movies and he doesn't care whose watching or even if we fall over. he is just that happy. As for my wedding i have set an offical time it will be more than likely the 21st of April and I want a certain someone...teri... to go if you can skip school for a couple of days. May go dress shopping tomorrow with Heather because my mom wanted me to go try dresses out. I will be sure to post pictures for you to see of my favorite ones. Life on the other hand has its ups and downs. I hate rhode island and all the weather but i don't mind saving the money and the simplicity. Also I miss Matt way to much otherwise. I wish I could talk more but I do have to get off the computer for now. I do hope everyone and I promise to catch up soon. Take care everyone.

Loving as always, Paula and my beloved Penguey

Career Development Board and others...

2009-01-15T17:05:37Z

Had my career development board yesterday and as of right now it is not looking so well. It sucks when people are trying so hard to reassure you that everything will turn out alright when everything leading up to that moment has gone so horribly wrong. These people are so nice here and have such good hearts but my failed hope is not with them, its with the navy and myself. I found out in order to do the job I want I have to study, a feat I have never really done, for the asvab and next month take the test- wait 4 to 6 weeks, and then hope that I got a score high enough to take that job, if I do worse I have to either retake the test 30 days later or try and go for another job. Most of the other jobs I am eligible for right now either put me in the boiler room, in aviation, or in a job that is going away. It sucks and kills me. I have only a year and a half left in the navy and after I either re-enlist or I get out and try to find another job. I don't want to get out but I can't go on with all this stupidity especially being so far from Matt. If I can't be with Matt I don't know what I would do. I can't be without him, I really can't. So I will study for this asvab and try my best to pass. I don't know what other option to take right now... I really don't.

In other news I went to my first funerals. Our command does color guard for whenever military members die and almost everyday we have to do them so 2 days ago I went. The first one was short and simple the second a little longer. The one thing that makes them horrible is that you always do them outside and its so cold out there it kills me to death. I hate them to death but I have no choice but to do them when they tell me to. It comes with the job I guess since no one else can do it but PSD and a few others.

Other than not much else is new. Was invited to a party on friday so I will go to that and hope to have fun. I also put in a leave chit to go visit Matt in VA over the Valentines Day weekend. I hope the chit gets approved and that way I cna buy plane tickets to see him. I would so cry if I couldn't visit him, I really would I miss him too much everyday not to be able to go see him at least once a month. If I get to go I will be in VA from the 13th-16th. I am so excited, All I care about is being able to see him. I miss him.

Getting by...

2009-01-08T13:53:57Z

Its weird this place is so dead depressing. All the people seem so miserable here and it seems not many people get far here. The one guy who has been working here a long time has only said its been getting worse and I believe him to. The base itself seems gone, not much here and no beauty can even be found in the winter because its too cold and the wind feels like it burns my face, I hate it. I want to work here I really do I just want to do that...work, I don't want to deal with the customers or anything like that. I am use to keeping to myself and just working on papers rather than people. Its not because I am mean its just how I am in life. I never really wanted this job and I hate that I choose it sometimes. I don't hate it because I went to Virginia and met Matt. I just hate here which is I guess normal. I am sorry but readers will be hearing alot about this for a while because its all I can think about in life, not much else to do here until springtime. So I am hoping it gets better. On the other hand I have started to meet people on the base. I met two people who live in the barracks already. The one guy who live right under my room is Nathaniel Gales and below him is Anthony (Tony) Kelke. They have both been friends for a long time and went through schools together. I watched some of the movie Death Race and played Xbox 360 with them. They seemed really cool and then I ended up with an issue. As I was on the phone with my mom right before I called Matt I had a large note slipped under my door. It was from Tony, and basically it was a letter from him telling him that he thought I was beautiful and that he would like to see me again. I read the note to Mom and Matt. Mom told me to be careful and Matt thought it was funny but could see why. I told him it doesn't matter though because I love him more than life and that wa just fine with me. So next time I see this guy I will have to draw the line and set things straight for him. Not much else different. The day really drags on though which sucks. Hopefully it goes by quicker. Hope everyone else is doing well. Take care.

2008-2009 the ending of the year

2009-01-07T16:01:05Z

Alright so the entries I have promised are finally here. A list of everything that happened before coming here. On Dec 17 I checked out of my command and after some hassal I was over and done with. Pretty much after I was laid back and relaxed (even though I still ran around like crazy) until the 23rd when Matt and I went and drove down to my parents house for christmas eve and morning before coming back to VA. On the 27th Matt checked out of his command and the next morning we got on a plan and flew out to Oregon where his mom and stepdad met us at the airport. So pretty much I spent the week meeting his family who are are really nice and sweet. Not much to do in Oregon but then again is was freezing cold most times and snowing and worst of it all I was sick the whole time and I still am slightly. Its crazy but I will ask medical once I get in over there and have them take a look. I was supposed to leave Oregon on the 5th and get there the 6th but my flight was cancelled so I got here to Newport a day late but luckily everything was okay. My chrsitmases were all very nice and very simple. I didn't get too much but I didn't mind at all. I got to spend the holidays with everyone so I was happy about that in the end. The gifts were pretty much small penguin trinkets and things like that. Matts give to me was a gold bracelet from Zales with Opals in them. It was a really sweet gift of him. I got him a full metal diecast of his angel (2002/2003 Subaru WRX STI). New Year I didn't really do much just sit with Matt and watched movies. Other than that 2008 came to a close and out came 2009.

As the holidays come to a start

2008-12-21T23:04:51Z

Only a few days left until the holidays arrive. Though it does not feel like it for most of us here on the base it still is a holiday. Some of the ships have put up christmas lights and some of the shore commands have decorated a bit. I have been spending it packing and moving. I am sorry for keeping away for so long but at this point I don't have much of choice especially with hardly any internet or phone service in the barracks as well. I have sent out my gift for a special someone who I hope loves their gift very much. I didn't know what to get to get but when I thought about it from the heart I knew exactly when to get so I do hope you like it very much. I am nervous and excited though. Matt is coming home with me for christmas. He has already met my parents so it will be nice to spend holidays with them but I am really nervous about going to Oregon for the holiday. I know I shouldn't but some people know how I can be with my worrysome mind. I don't know what to do and then after I go straight to Oregon to report for my new command. Its been very crazy week and it will only get more crazy until saturday but I did promise a certain someone a call and trust me you will get it though I know it may be a bit late. I have decided to remake my icons by the way. I am going for a new type of design though my background will typically remain the same. However I do have to go run more errands....again but I do hope to be on again soon. If not then I do wish everyone the greatest of holidays and I hope to see you all on here again next year. Take care.

as always as ever, Paula and Penguey

Dear Santa

2008-12-09T16:03:26Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Tuesday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Wednesday aurons_fan and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Last week I turned cessyangel in for running naked in the mall (3 points). In April I helped ryfee across the street (6 points). Last Friday I bought porn for shadow_master55 (10 points).

Overall, I've been nice (356 points). For Christmas I deserve a shiny red ball!

Sincerely,
Midnight_Angel1

I'm late...

2008-12-04T20:10:42Z

I am so sorry I have not been writing much lately it sucks actually being busy for the whole 10 hours I have to put up with work. But in the end it has been eventful as well so I have to say it balances out for me. Started christmas cards though I have been going really slow at it. Penguey already has a christmas sweater and I found him his stocking and santa hat so he is all ready to go for the holidays. Also I have packed and sent my room here to nc thanks to mom and dad so now I only have a few things left here. My brother also is back in the states from Iraq and he will be home in time for christmas. Tonight I have Matts holiday christmas party for the boat I am going to tonight so I will have to take pictures. I do have to go finish my work but I promise I will be on again soon. I have lots of poems to post. Take care.

Paula and Penguins all around

monday in time...

2008-11-24T20:35:58Z

Alright as stated in the last post christmas cards are going out. so be sure to message me your addresses if you would like one from me. I have no problems with it at all. So my weekend was mostly boring but it was useful. Went to the USS Laboon christmas party with Daniel and had lots of fun. Actually won a psp from it all so that was great. Ran into Jerry and that was what pretty much killed me this weekend. Let me explain everything. I was with daniel getting my sisters christmas gift and I thought I saw jerry walk past another isle so I call daniel out of paranoia and as soon as I see daniel walking towards me I turn and see jerry right there in front of me. I was in so much shock the only words that popped out of my mouth were "please tell me I'm halluncenating." and he walked off pissed and told daniel he wanted to talk to him later. my stuff was still at the apartment but I had no choice but to go face him and I knew he was going to say something and he did and I just sat there and took it all because I knew I deserved it for dumping him and then hooking up with someone after. I explained as much as I could to him and in the end he accepted it and told me it was okay to be friends. So I guess thats what we are. Matt pulls in today so I am excited about that and this is where I will cut off because I have to finish my work before going to see him. Take care everyone.
-Paula

Christmas Cards

2008-11-24T17:31:32Z

Alright everyone I am sending out the christmas cards sometime this week. If you would like just send me a message with you name and address and I will send you one for the holidays. Thats it for this entry. Thanks guys. :)

I promise to wait...

2008-11-17T21:19:27Z

I love him so much and I never want to loose him. I promised Matt that no matter what I want to keep our relationship going even after I leave and he is perfectly fine with that. He will be back on monday so I am counting down the days until he comes home. I don't know what we are doing for thanksgiving yet but I am sure we will think of something. The 1st of december is his birthday but I still don't know what to get and I want to get him something. I just don't know what. I wish I could talk more but I have to go muster for duty now. Until later.

Penguey and Paula

its official

2008-11-13T20:07:00Z

Its official... I am tranferring to PSD Newport Rhode Island. I will probably be leaving here dec-jan. More than likely I will leave at christmas and have to go. I told my chief that I wanted to take 30 days transfer leave first and be able to spend holidays at home first and he says more than likely we can do that. I explained how Matt and I were going home to see his family and mine. I will have to wait for the orders to post before I can be able to set and official date to leave virginia. I will be so sad when I leave. I emailed him last night and here was the conversation between us...

my email to him
.

Hey sweetheat,

we lost baby. as much as I hate to say it we lost. It turns out that because there no other billets at this time I have no choice but to transfer for a minimun 6-12 months depending on pts. But as of right now orders are set and I can't change it I requested and explained to chief my situation with you and he says we may be able to work it out with psd rh to see if I can take my 30days of transfer leave when you do and then go there and see how that works. I won't have official orders for about a week to 2 weeks and then from there we work on a transfer date, I20am so sorry baby I tried everything I could and I still lost. I love you so much I won't ever leave you and I can only hope you feel the same. I know this is not exactly the greatest thing to here out to sea but I still felt you should know. I want you to be good out there and take care of yourself until you come back. I don't want you hurt or worse in trouble, I still have your chain to give back to you. I miss you s! o much and I hope things are going better for you than me. I will be counting the days until you come home. I miss you sweetheart and I hope to hear from you soon. Penguey misses you too and gives you a big peck with the beak. I miss you and I hope to hear from you soon. I don't know if I will be back on this email tonight. So goodnight baby *kisses* Miss you. Love you always, Paula

and his reply was

– makes it seem longer sometimes. Doesn’t work, though. Always counting the days. I’ll be writing you e-mails and I brought my journal so you can read what it’s like out here. I miss you always, sweetheart. *kisses* Goodnight, Baby. Love you more, Matt

Hey sweetie,

We didn’t lose anything. We tried the best we could. Only thing we can do now it endure what’s going to happen in the next few months. I guess now we can hope for only 6 months as opposed to 12. Damn you PTS packages! I love you always, and distance isn’t going to change that any. So, don’t worry. No matter where you are, you’ll always have my heart. Let Penguey know that I’m expecting him to keep you company and keep you safe. I’m not trying to count the days

I was so relieved to know that he was willing to stick by me the whole time. I mean he means everything to me and I care for him so much. I don't know what I would do without him. Only Teri, Mommy and Penguey come before him. Other than my girls though, he has my heart. I can't believe it when I say such things but it feels right whenever I do say them to him and it makes me feel happy. I think he was the happiness I was looking for in my life and it will be sad once I leave but I know his heart will be with me just like mine is with him always.

Other than all of this drama though not much else is too new. I started to give a heads up to my pals and co-workers as to whats going on so they know I am leaving. I will be sure to get as much ps references and knowledge as I can before I go (especially tranferring and travel) os I know what to do when I get there. I may have lost the battle but my war isn't over yet.

I wish I could update more but unfortunately I have to go due some paperwork but I am hoping to put my halloween pictures on my myspace this week so a heads up with that even though they are late. But I do have to go. Take care everyone.

I don't know what to do and time is running out...

2008-11-10T15:17:56Z

I honestly don't know what to do I feel so stuckk and helpless that I just want to cry. The weekend went alright. Saw role models on saturday and just chilled at matts place with the boys. I couldn't sleep at all. I don't know why just something was keeping me up all night. Sunday we saw Madagascar 2 Escape Africa and the whole time I was still tired because I didn't sleep Sat and I could barely sleep friday. Yet I still couldn't sleep. Sunday night did laundry and I barely slept and I am still tired right now and then my day gets worse. I not only got the email that said I am still being rolled over for pts but that the detailer choose my orders for me without even considering what I put down on the request list. As of right now if nothing changes I will be going to PSD Rhode Island. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave here yet. I am not ready to just yet. Its not right that out of all 12 orders to go to Norfolk ships I couldn't have one of them but I can have something that was NOT EVEN ON THE GOD-DAMN ORDERS LIST!!!!! Sorry I don't mean to get out of hand but I don't know what to do. I don't have anything to go to up there. It will be the same exact thing as being here only I won't know anyone and I will be somewhere where I know I don't belong. I want to cry. I tried calling Matt but I couldn't get in touch with him yet. I also have to talk to chief later and see if he got in touch with the detailer but at this point I don't even want to talk to him right now because I don't know what to say to him. I did everything right and did exactly as I was told and yet I still lost after everything. I don't know what to do.. I can't type anymore...the only thing that was good out of anything was that I am loved. He told me he loved me and I could actually say it back which is something I never could say I think I may have found love finally.......

gotta run

2008-11-04T21:04:14Z

hey everyone, not much is going on with me really. ust doing the same old things everyday. Matt came back yesterday so I was happy to be with him once more. so today is the stupid election. everyone in my office is going crazy over it. I swear its just like fifa but I like fifa though not this. I don't really feel urged to vote because of my job because no matter who wins I still have to work for them. So either way I am wrong in the end because I am lower-ranked but I do respect everyone else's opinions and all that so please no one take offense. I would like to give a big thank to <lj user= ryfee> for the beautiful icons I have not just put them up but I will. They are icons from final fantasy X-2 because I love the story couples in that game better than most (except XIII of course). Did not do too much yesterday but I do have to go get a gift for Matts mom today since her birthday is tomorrow so her gift will be a little late as well. Sorry moms. Work is a boredom as always so that is nothing new I am just waiting to go home. I did find out our command christmas party will be on the 5th of December so I plan on taking Matt with me. I gotta go but I will write later. bye.

Pure happiness and a surprise for me...

2008-10-30T14:35:10Z

So yeah last night Matt was supposed to leave and I had been talking to him all day about it. At 5:30pm I am at c9 in the game room and now here I am thinking he is out to sea and he calls. I pick up and talk with him. Its really windy in the background so I am thinking he is on the ship out in the water. So I ask him if he has left yet and he explains not yet but they will be leaving though. So here I am upset about all this and I as I explain this to him and continue to talk to him I feel someone tap on my shoulder and I look up and see him. I got up and started to hit him even though I didn't mean to and was in shock but frustrated by it too. It turns out they are leaving but they will leave friday instead and then come back monday so I will only lose him for about 3 days. I didn't mean to hurt him but he didn't mind because he felt bad about not telling me but he wanted it to be a surprise. I was so happy to see him so we pretty much chilled with Mike and just hung out at his place for the night. Other than that not too much else is new. The barracks bash is tonight and I told Matt I wanted to go for at least a little bit so that way I can see everyone and say hello. He's fine with that so thats good for me. Tonight is also the sabbat on the wiccan calendar which is when pagans give praise to the dead in hopes that they will be able to move on tonight so I will have to remember to light a candle for that today and tomorrow. Anyway I will get going back to work but I hope everyone enjoys mischief night. Take care everyone.

I also have a new song to listen to. It called Break my Fall by Tiesto ft. BT. Tiesto is a techno music artist who has people create and sing songs for the music he writes and this is one of them I like alot. Enjoy...
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/766680/tiesto_ft_bt_break_my_fall/

I miss him...

2008-10-23T16:34:58Z

Matt went out to sea again. The ship has to go to Maryland for a few day then Monday he comes back and then leaves for another week on wednesday. He won't even get to be here for Halloween. I hate that so much. Halloween won't be the same. I felt so bad for him yesterday. We went to Yorktown because he has promised a friend Bruce that he would bring him food. However he wanted to see me and run errands with me first so he came to Norfolk and we did our stuff. However we got on the bridge to Hampton and found traffic to be backed-up over 10 miles we didn't get there until right before 11 and then was stuck waiting to give the food to Bruce for almost and hour. so by the time we got back home it was already after 12 and we had to get up at 3:30am. I felt so bad because he was upset about the fact he couldn't spend his time with me like he wanted but I assured him that its okay since I was happy just to be with him. We did decide a list of goals we want to do somtime this year and next year...

- go to Universal Studios & Islands of Adventure (maybe Disney too) in FL
- go visit St. Basils Academy and visit my family for Greek Easter (a certain someone is also on this trip) in NY
- visit my family in North Carolina for christmas day and his family for a few days in Oregon for holiday

...we always make plans and it feels like this will last. So yea now I am at work with Penguey just chilling in the office. He is so ready for halloween all dressed up and everything with his own baby pumpkin. I took a picture I am just hoping to put it on here later. My mom thought it was so cute too. I just love my little baby, yes I know its a stuffed penguin but I love him all the same!!! Anyway going to go find lunch now. I will write more again soon. Hope everyone is well.
-missing my baby

Fighting back one last time....

2008-10-22T19:51:53Z

So this is the last time I am fighting back on all sides I am fed up with it. I guess I just don't know when to quit but I will after this because by then I will have no other choice. Court did not go so well today. The guy who hit me got away scott free and everything because judge claimed there was not enough evidence to support the case. Dad is doing an appeal which I don't really care for at all. I am just through with all this stupid court and I still have to do more of it anyway. Susan is here and not playing nice at all. Also my pts is still stuck in the middle of no-where-land. I am requesting the detailer just give me orders to the USS Truman which is a ship here in Norfolk, or the USS Wasp which is also here. I don't want to go to Japan or Guam yet. I would prefer to visit not stay there. So hopefully she will approve and if she does I may go before the end of the year. I have also started holiday plans this year. Thanksgiving I am not doing anything since I don't care for it much anymore. I have decided to take the next step with Matt though and go home with him for the holiday and meet his family. I have already spoken with them on the phone and they are excited about it alot. I will get to see my family X-mas day but after we have to fly straight to Salem, Oregon which is where his family is. I will be only there one week whereas he has 30 days so I will be flying back myself but I think it will be worth it in the end. I am so anxious for it. I have never been out west before and in the winter too.... anyways we do have plans to come up north sometime next year which means a certain someone will be getting a visit. Not sure when though sometime around mar-may time depending on holiday. Nothing else big just wanted to share that. Gotta go for now though, everyone take care.
Just us...

So unfair...

2008-10-20T19:11:06Z

I am not a cruel person, I don't think life is unfair and I am usually always hoping for the best in everything. Now I am proven wrong on so many levels but if anything else I at least have 2 things good in Norfolk and that is Penguey and Matt. Other than that I'm FUCKED. And I am so sorry for using that but at this point I feel I deserve to for this job at this point. So as explained in May I put in my performance to serve package to crossrate in a new job and pick new orders, that was in May but now here it is the end of October and I have heard nothing. My package has overlooked and pushed to the side for so long that I am out of luck at this point. I can't transfer because pts has not been approved and I can't get pts for who know what reason. I am being contradicted here no matter what I do. I just want to stay in Norfolk and find that DDG. I don't care if I have to do it as a PS or and OS I just want to do it. I can't take such a let down. Its really does suck at this point. Worst of all Matt is not here because he just left for Yorktown and after they are going to Maryland for a week or so, so I feel even worse about that. I just want to cry. I keep lying and telling everyone its allergies for now so I don't have to worry. I have to go I can't write anymore. Boss is here.

just waiting

Just missing him..

2008-10-15T17:08:42Z

I feel like a dork for missing somone so much even though I have only dated them for about 2 months...Is this wrong. I don't think it is but some people do. I honestly don't know. I don't know what it is because I miss him whenever I'm not with him which is awkward because usually I don't miss people that much except for some of you certain people. So I was taken aback by the idea that I could miss someone so much. I did get to see him for a few minutes yesterday. He left the ship to get medicine and to see me though he risked getting in trouble but he was okay. He is hoping to get off today but we are not too sure on that one just yet. I doubt it but I will keep my hopes up. Last night was too funny though, I was going to go to the club but decided against it and hung out with some friends and other random people as they drank. They were way to funny the thought Penguey was the cutest thing they ever saw. Today though, I was looking at the list of movies coming out and a couple of good movies are coming out but they won't come out until late this year early next year. Harry Potter 6, The Fast and the Furious, and so many others I just can't wait for it all. Work is a drag right now but its not too bad for me. Don't like it half the time anyway but I gotta do it never-the-less. This is the last week I will be wearing working whites though exciting enough. I prefer to wear the blues anyway so that should be good. Got my new boots in the mail but I have to wait until later to take them out and put them on. I will definitely have to try and take better care of them this time though. I have training today at 2pm so hopefully that goes by quickly. I just want to get through the day. Anyways I will let you all go for now though but I hope to be back on soon. Take care.
Love my Penguey and me

Crazy day...

2008-10-14T15:54:20Z

...well for the most part anyway. Let me explain this morning and then I will do the weekend. Okay this morning just like always Matt and I got ready for work and had just left the barracks at 6:30am right when we walk out the door his chief calls "Stephenson where are you you were suppose to be here at 6:15am this morning we are getting underway today." So now we had to rush me to work so he could get to work. On the way to my job his friend calls and I answer "Hey do you know where Stephenson is?" "He is right here driving on base heading to work now." "Okay just let him know he needs to get here fast the ships pulls out in a half hour." I get to work say my goodbye in hopes of seeing him soon. We had no idea where he was going or even if he would be back. Luckily he texted and told me he will be back tonight. *sigh* I am so relieved on that one.

...okay here is where the best and worst parts of the weekend went. On friday everything was mostly normal. Went with the boys to see the movie Quarrentine. It was good but I couldn't watch it all because the camera shakes around way too much giving you real bad headaches. Then buddies went to our place to drink and spend the night. It was a fun night though. Saturday didn't do much but chill at c9 for a bit and helped Matt wash and clean his car. Sunday went to fleet week half marathon and helped as a volunteer for that. Then went to the mall which was closed so we just went home and slept. On Monday we just chilled at c9 most of the day and then went to the mall. I bought like 3 sweaters and hello kitty. Yes I have found a new fascination its hello kitty. But I don't like all hello kitty just some. Like the black chococat (NOT BROWN!!!!) and then the hello kitty that wears all pink. I bought both of then as plushes yeasterday. I thought they were so cute. We ate at chillis after and just relaxed.

...now here is where the best and worst part came in. Unfortunately I found out someone is apparently competing with me for Matt. Matts ex-girlfriend wants him back even though she knows he is with someone else. She found out he was going home on leave in december and brought this up to him and talked about maybe getting back together with him. Now it has been almost 3yrs now since they have dated and she broke up with him because he was leaving for the military. He is planning to stay in at least until 2012, he says he doesn't know what he will do after but more than likely he will make a career of it. Now as it was he knew I was upset when I found out and who wouldn't be honestly. He asked me about it and told me I could ask him anything and I couldn't. I understand that people have things they don't share and I respect that no matter how much I hate it. But then he wondered why it bothered me. Here is what I told him once we got home....
     "Honestly, how would you feel if one of my ex's called me and wanted to get back together with me."
    "I would be worried and wondered how you felt about them."
      "I know I hate to say this but I am a really self-concious person and it makes me nervous, I mean I know I shouldn't worry but I always do, I wonder whether I'm good enough or not, or if there is someone better than me out there or anything. I mean I know I have alot of guy friends but that is all they are and I do want to have somebody, in a bad way I want to be able to be loved. I don't know if you understand how I fell but I just worry."
...Now bear in mind those who know me know I have alot of problems with men. Between those who have wives, those who don't care at all and those who I let go. I don't exactly have the greatest of luck.

John- guy who hurt me, was married with 2 kids, navy on ship CVN
Joe- only guy I can actually l--ed and let go, navy on ship LHD
Rivera- puerto rican that only lasted about 1 month, formerly married with kid, navy on ship CVN
Terrell- very distant emotions but close physical(somewhat), left before he went IA, petty officer navy DDG
Bryan- former navy, never had relationship because we never established one less than 1 month. (I don't count him because I never considered him a bf as I was with him so I refuse to count him but I put him on anyway)
Nick- only guy I gave 2nd chance and didn't work, very different in personality and beliefs, navy on ship CVN
Jerry- first time "friends with benefits" even though people thought we were dating, left him, petty officer navy DDG
Matthew- currently dating for about 2-3 months now.

... so as you can see I don't have the greatest of luck. So is it too hard to ask for someone who could just love me..(and Penguey can't forget him). Matt is cuh a sweetheart in everyway and even my mom has told me to actually hold onto someone if I truly care about them. And I plan to and so does he. After I told him all this stuff I ended up sheding some small tears *hey I'm an emotional person I can cry* but the irony of it and I didn't know it at first until I looked at him but he was in tears. He cared for me so much and didn't realize how worried I was about losing him and he told me that he worries the same thing all the time. And he is always self-concious about it. Now here is something it is a superstition that if the latch on your necklace falls in where the pendant is rather than in the back and someone fixes it for you then you have to make a wish. He told me that everytime I fix his chain cause I do it alot, he wishes he could stay with me. I didn't know he cared that much about wanting to stay with me. After everything I went into bed to but I saw him write in his journal and then took a shower before coming to bed as well. Yes he does write just like we do in a journal. He doesn't have livejournal thought which is good. so he won't read this ever. Its weird at c9 everyone says it like all the time to us that we are made for each other perfectly and it makes him blush but it also makes me blush *ME BLUSH!! NOT POSSIBLE!!* But nontheless, he takes care of me, treats me good, and so much more. I have even said something and didn't realize I said until after and it didn't bother me at all and he has too. I am not telling anyone unless they are on the phone what it is....and you know who you are....

...by the way I do have to call you and I know I am so overdue and I am so sorry. *whimpers "don't kill me"* but yea. I did think of writing a poem and you were the inspiration I just have to put lines together since they are scattered in different books at the moment hopefully I have it together this week for you.

... I have started the christmas hunt this year so anybody who is involved let me know if you have any ideas of what to get either you or someone else that would be great. I already have a few ideas for some people but I am stuck on others. So any ideas let me know okay.

.... Just got off the phone with Matt he made it on time and he will be back tonght so I will be able to bring him dinner since he is on duty.

...I had something in my head I wanted to post but I can't remember what it is so I will end here for now but I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to write again soon and in some cases actually talk to. Take care.

Sincerly, Penguey

Cute meme from rainbowserenity

2008-10-14T11:51:34Z

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

♥

Another quiz out of boredom...

2008-10-10T12:19:29Z

Yes its Friday! I am so psyched about it. All I have to do it get through today and then I am on a three day weekend.
By the way a big happy birthday to Aurons_fan who turned 17 *parties*. Hope you have a great birthday if you read this at all.
I like quizes as you can tell I like to steal from others....sorry just like them alot and find them fascinating especially when I don't know what else to do other than ramble on. I do like the website where this quiz came from though. Very cool. Anyway Matt is doing much better even though he had his wisdom teeth pulled out. I just want to get out of work early for once. Don't know what I am doing yet this weekend but I hope it will be fun. Anway Kody is back in VA so maybe I will see him once while he is back in port but we will see. As of that not much is new. Just me and Penguey chillin at the desk. I have to go find work to do so hopefully I will write again soon. have a good weekend everyone. Bye.

The Blue Bloods {Ventrue}

7 Assamite, 2 Brujah, 6 Gangrel, 1 Malkavian, 2 Nosferatu, 15 Toreador, 8 Tremere, 17 Ventrue, 11 Lasombra, 9 Tzimisce, 10 Setites, 11 Giovanni and 4 Ravnos!

The Ventrue are the power of the throne. They are the dictators of the undead world. The Ventrue believe it is their duty to guide the other undead. They enjoy power and for all their piety they have little problem using their stature to their advantage. Ventrue tend not to get their hands dirty and hire other clans to do their dark deeds. Ventrue spend their nights concealing the vampire presence from the world whilst trying to slowly manipulate it to their own needs and desires.

For you to be a Ventrue means that you are a leader. By a twist of fate or sheer will, people listen to you and readily follow you. It is to you they run when their world falls apart. You are the one with the answers. You have the ability to be strong for others and to keep at the task at hand through adversity. Some Ventrue rule because they care about others and the status quo. Others, however rule because they enjoy the power and recognition they receive. Power is, after all, the greatest drug of all. It is a need for control that drives all Ventrue, whether their intentions be good or bad.

taken from Ear_envy website to find at is http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/which-vampire-the-masquerade-clan-are-you